Things I Wish I Could Say in Dragon Age 2
by xneseyx
Summary: AKA things I shouted at the game the first time I played. This has been running around in my head for a while, and I just wanted to get it out of there. Rated for language.
1. Act I

**LOTHERING**

**Flemeth: ***introduces herself as Witch of the Wilds*

**Me:** …what are you up to?

**ACT I**

**Leandra:** Oh, I miss my child (Carver/Bethany) so much, I wish they hadn't died.

**Me:** Um… you do realize that you had three children, not two, right?

* * *

><p><strong>Me:<strong> Anders! At last, a familiar face that I actually like.

**Anders:** The blighted Wardens said he 'made me too soft'. I had to give him to a friend in Amaranthine.

**Me:** wtf are you talking about? I gave you Ser Pounce-a-lot! Who made you get rid of him?

* * *

><p><strong>Anders:<strong> *starts glowing*

**Me:** WTF HAPPENED TO YOU!?

**Anders:** Justice chills out in the back of my head. No biggie.

**Me:** well… Wynne had a spirit buddy too, but Faith didn't go bonkers like that on people.

**Anders:** he also goes kinda nuts when it comes to Templar/mage rights issues. When he shows up, he's not Justice anymore. He's Vengeance.

**Me:** aww… I kinda liked Justice. If nothing else, his and Sigrun's dialogue was funny as hell. Hey, I can flirt with you?

* * *

><p><strong>Marethari:<strong> hello.

**Me: **I remember you!

**Hawke:** you want me to take your First with me?

**Me:** Merrill?

* * *

><p><strong>Merrill:<strong> hello!

**Me:** awesome! More people I know and like! But srsly, what's with the accents, guys?

**Merrill:** BLOOD MAGIC GO!

**Me:** nooooooooo! Why, oh why, did you do that? Dammit Merrill!

* * *

><p><strong>Hawke: <strong>I carried you here?

**Flemeth:** Just a piece, a small piece, but that was all I needed.

**Me:** …shit.

* * *

><p><strong>Viscount:<strong> better you were thought to be abducted…

**Me: **Stfu. Sten rocks.

* * *

><p><strong>Feynriel:<strong> Would you let me go to the Dalish?

**Me: **YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE POINTY EARS. WTF IS THIS SHIT. But okay, go to them.

_After multiple playthroughs, however, I have come to the conclusion that if I had to make this decision irl, I'd be pretty lost. I don't much like Marethari or the way that she treats Merrill or the rest of her clan, but I know that Meredith is a psycho bitch._

* * *

><p><strong>Karras:<strong> *shows up*

**Me:** I've already decided that I don't like you. You just look like an asshole.

**Karras:** *decided that he's going to kill all of you or just the mages, depending on your choice*

**Me:** Screw you, bitch!

_After multiple playthroughs, and learning about what exactly Karras does to Alain, I kill him each and every single time. Even though I don't much like Grace._

* * *

><p><strong>Javaris:<strong> kill the Tal-Vashoth for me, would you?

**Me: **aren't these guys just the ones that left the Qun? *discovers it's a main quest, so then travels to Wounded Coast*

**Tal-Vashoth:** they're just bandits. That's all they want to do now that they've left the Qun. I'm gonna go be a mercenary instead, but apparently that's worse than outright murder in their eyes.

**Me: **and I thought I had finally figured you guys out…. *looks again* wtf, you have horns? Sten didn't have horns! *quickly checks Dragon Age Wiki* oh… that kind of makes sense.

* * *

><p><strong>Arishok<strong>: *shows up*

**Me:** I wish I could ask how Sten is doing… but, then again, there's probably a million of them.

**Javaris:** *proceeds to be an extremely annoying little prick*

**Me:** …is it just me, or does every single dwarf in this game have blonde hair? And can I please kill this guy?

**Arishok:** he is not worthy of dying to you.

**Me:** thanks for that, but I still want to kill him.

**Javaris:** *leaves*

**Me:** dammit.

* * *

><p><strong>Petrice:<strong> I am out of my element, woe is me!

**Me:** get back to your church.

**Petrice:** you must help me! Especially since you just saved my life while my Templar bodyguard cowered in the shadows!

**Me:** no. *discovers I can't not do this quest* dammit.

**Varnell: ***waves his sword at me*

**Me:** WE WERE JUST TALKING IN THE ALLEY. PUT THAT THING DOWN BEFORE YOU POKE YOUR EYE OUT.

**Petrice:** meet Ketojan!

**Me: **wtf, Sten? You didn't tell me that you guys stitched the mage's bloody lips shut! How the hell does he eat?

* * *

><p><strong>Arvaarad:<strong> mages are contagious.

**Me:** and here I thought that Qunari were smart. MAGIC IS NOT CONTAGIOUS. YOU CAN'T GET DEMONS FROM TALKING TO A MAGE. Does that mean if the Warden was a mage, they killed Sten?

**Hawke:** my sister's a mage, but she's not dangerous to you unless she wants to be.

**Arvaarad:** KILL THEM ALL!

**Me:** what. the. actual. duck.

**Saarebas:** I'm going to go kill myself now. Thanks for getting me here, though.

**Anders: **Of all the ridiculous, spineless, mind-controlled, senseless piece of shit arguments I've ever heard!

**Me:** *pissing myself laughing at Anders*

**Hawke:** well, it's not like I can stop you from killing yourself, so have at it, I guess.

**Saarebas: **take shiny. Your role would change little if you submitted to the Qun. *bursts into flame*

**Me: **I wonder if he says that to a mage, too…

_Upon realizing that saarebas does, in fact, say this to a mage, I have concluded that he was brainwashed._

* * *

><p><strong>Hawke:<strong> the mage's karetaam were all dead. You set me up.

**Petrice:** you come back speaking their language, and think to lecture me?

**Me: **you racist bitch. This, right here, is why I hate religious zealot-type people. All holier-than-thou and shit. Except for the thing with the mages, Qunari rock!

* * *

><p><strong>Elthina:<strong> the Maker stepped in and stopped the Blight.

**Me: **nope. That was all me.

**Hawke:** nope. That was all the Hero of Ferelden.

**Elthina:** even an elf may be doing His work.

**Me:** AM I EVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET AWAY FROM THE BLATANT RACISM (xenophobia?) IN THESE GAMES

**My brother, who happened to be sitting next to me at the time:** nah, probably not.

* * *

><p><strong>Bartrand:<strong> who invited the old woman?

**Me: **Hey!

**Leandra:** please don't take Bethany with you! If you want to go, it's fine, but Bethany has to stay here because I say so.

**Me:** gawd, it's like this woman forgot that she pushed three children out, not two. Imma bring Varric, Fenris… and Bethany, just to piss you off.

**Leandra:** don't do this!

**Bethany:** I promise I'll be just fine.

**Leandra:** *gives Hawke a dirty look*

* * *

><p><strong>CASSANDRA AND VARRIC<strong>

**Varric: **if we'd known what was down there, she'd never have let Bethany come along.

**Me:** oh shit

* * *

><p><strong>DEEP ROADS<strong>

**Bartrand: ***being a dick*

**Varric: **we'll go look around.

**Me:** Bodahn! Of course we'll go after Sandal!

**Sandal:** hello.

**Hawke: ***looks at ogre*

**Me:** atta boy, Sandal!

* * *

><p><strong>Bartrand: <strong>*takes the lyrium thingy and locks us in the thaig*

**Me:** I cannot believe you did that to your own brother. I can't even think of horrible enough swear words to call you. I hope you get lyrium poisoning from that bloody thing and a darkspawn mistakes you for a female and tries to brood mother you to death. Asshole.

* * *

><p><strong>Demon dude:<strong> I'll help you if you help me…

**Me:** no way, José. I saw more than enough demons up in the Circle tower in DAO to know that you're just gonna screw us over later.

* * *

><p><strong>Ginormous rock wraith boss: <strong>*shows up*

**Me:** since when can lyrium do that? Nobody told me this before!

**Ginormous rock wraith boss:** *dies in epic rogue cutscene*

**Me:** bitch please.

* * *

><p><strong>Bethany:<strong> I'm not feeling so good…

**Me:** No! nononononono… You can't die! You're the awesomest mage ever!

**Bethany:** you'll take care of it… won't you, sis?

**Me: **I think I'm gonna cry.

**Hawke: **How can I kill my own sister?

**Bethany:** because she's asking you to. Take care of mother.

* * *

><p><strong>GAMLEN'S HOUSE<strong>

**Leandra:** my baby! You're home!

**Me:** I didn't realize you actually gave two shits about me. Hawke. Whatever. I wonder if this is how Justice feels, hanging out in Anders' head?

**Hawke:** I'm sorry, mother.

* * *

><p><strong>Just a few things that bothered me, and some other stuff. <strong>


	2. Act II

**Thank you, Guest Lyriel, for your kind words of support. I actually had forgotten about that, since I hardly say two words to Leandra anymore. I don't like her very much. **

**And thanks to Kira Tamarion, Ickypicky892, Cordelia Storyspinner, 0vivaldi, and Corria for the faves, follows, and reviews. **

* * *

><p><strong>ACT II<strong>

**VISCOUNT'S KEEP**

**Viscount: **go talk to the arishok and find out what he wants.

**Me: **awesome! I'm important!

* * *

><p><strong>Bodahn:<strong> because you rescued my son, I'm going to be your manservant.

**Me:** cool.

* * *

><p><strong>ESTATE<strong>

**Me:** awesome! I don't have to wander up and down across Hightown to enchant my shit anymore! Aveline?

**Aveline:** some idiot Templar is looking into murders.

**Me:** isn't that your job, guard captain?

**Aveline:** shut him up.

**Me:** well, someone doesn't like her job much…

* * *

><p><strong>Arishok:<strong> I think that idiot dwarf from a few years ago tried to steal the explosive powder from us.

**Me:** I don't see where my help comes in just yet…

**Arishok:** it's a poison gas that drives humans crazy.

**Me:** well shit.

* * *

><p><strong>Javaris:<strong> I was framed!

**Me:** Oh really?

**Hawke:** oh really?

**Javaris:** are you exploding?

**Me:** no…

**Javaris:** then I probably don't have the powder, do I?

* * *

><p><strong>Crazy elf chick:<strong> they're stealing my people!

**Me:** they can't steal something that wants to leave.

**Crazy elf chick:** DIE!

* * *

><p><strong>Emeric:<strong> I suspect a man names Gascard DuPuis.

**Me:** who the hell named this character? Did they want to make him sound like an idiot?

* * *

><p><strong>Gascard:<strong> I'm not the killer! I'm looking for him!

**Me:** I don't know if I believe you… but I can always kill you later.

* * *

><p><strong>Templar lady:<strong> Emeric's on his way to meet you right now. You know, you sent him a letter.

**Hawke:** no I didn't.

**Templar lady: **yes you did. *shows letter*

**Hawke:** I didn't write this.

**Templar lady:** strange.

**Me:** this Templar guy is hunting a murderer, and you just found out that he was probably sent into a trap, and all you have to say about it is 'strange'? Wtf is wrong with you people?!

* * *

><p><strong>Templar lady:<strong> some mage sent that thing here to kill him!

**Me:** thank you, captain obvious.

**Templar lady:** the murders! He was getting too close!

**Me:** no shit, Sherlock.

**Templar lady:** come to me if you learn anything else about the murders. *leaves*

**Me:** um… no. I don't like Templars. Except Cullen. He got hawt.

* * *

><p><strong>Anders:<strong> I'm involved in a secret mage underground. I help mages escape the circle.

**Me:** fight the power!

**Anders:** help me stop this asshat Alrik.

**Me:** of course I will!

* * *

><p><strong>Justice:<strong> I will have every last Templar for these abuses!

**Ella:** get away from me, demon!

**Me:** way to show gratitude, bitch. We just saved your ass from being made Tranquil!

**Hawke:** *stops Anders/Justice from killing her*

**Anders:** *runs away*

* * *

><p><strong>Ella:<strong> what was that thing?

**Me:** 'that thing' just saved your brain. You should be thanking him.

**Hawke:** get out of Kirkwall.

* * *

><p><strong>Anders:<strong> I think that merging with Justice might have been a bad idea…

**Me:** maybe. But I don't think that you can change it now.

**Hawke:** here, I found a letter. You were right about asshat Alrik.

* * *

><p><strong>Anders:<strong> I would drown us in blood to keep you safe.

**Me:** aww… that's kind of gross and adorably cute at the same time.

**Anders:** you can't tease me like this and expect me to resist forever.

**Me:** shut up and kiss her already!

* * *

><p><strong>ESTATE<strong>

**Me: **so… where's Anders?

**Anders:** Justice does not approve of my obsession with you.

**Me: **'obsession' is a bit of a strong word, don't you think?

*le sex scene*

**Anders:** I love you!

**Me:** aww! Can I keep you?

**Hawke:** I want you here, until the say we die.

**Me:** *fan girl noises*

* * *

><p><strong>Leandra:<strong> I feel like an Amell again.

**Me:** you haven't been an Amell in twenty-some-odd years. You're a Hawke. So shaddap.

**Leandra:** now I just have to find a suitable husband for you.

**Me:** you try that shit, and I'm running away. HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE AWESOME MAGE THAT IS NOW LIVING HERE. SRSLY.

**Bodahn:** Anders is pretty cool. It's been nice having him here, and he likes this enchanting stuff that Sandal does.

**Me:** see? _They_ noticed him, Leandra. Mom. Whatever.

**Leandra:** I've been thinking about getting remarried.

**Me:** good. Get out of my hair. Stop trying to arrange marriages and shit for me.

* * *

><p><strong>Merrill: <strong>eluvian!

**Me:** *facepalm* wait a second… that thing nearly killed a Dalish Warden and tainted Tamlen… why aren't you dead?

**Merrill:** I fixed it with blood magic.

**Me:** huh. I didn't know you could do anything with blood magic but control people's minds.

**Merrill:** I need your help.

**Me:** okay… let's go to Sundermount, then.

* * *

><p><strong>Marethari:<strong> go kill the varterral, then we'll talk.

**Me:** I hate fighting these things.

* * *

><p><strong>Pol:<strong> Merrill's a monster!

**Me:** no she's not! She's been a blood mage for, like, four or five years, and she's not a crazy-abomination-thing! Shut up!

**Pol:** *runs away*

**Me:** asshole.

* * *

><p><strong>Merrill:<strong> *crying over Pol*

**Me:** he was an idiot.

**Hawke:** it wasn't your fault.

**Merrill:** everyone must think I'm a monster.

**Fenris:** you are a monster.

**Me:** stfu, Fenris. Um… Hawke? Aren't you going to defend Merrill?

**Hawke:** *says nothing*

**Me:** you're a bitch.

* * *

><p><strong>Marethari:<strong> I told everyone that the mirror is evil, which means you're evil for playing with it.

**Me:** aren't you Merrill's surrogate mom or something? Shouldn't you be more supportive of her than this? You are such a bitch!

**Marethari:** you can still come back.

**Me:** no she can't! You're spreading horrible, awful rumors about her behind her back! Pol ran away from her into the arms of a monster! Aren't you supposed to be smarter than this?

**Marethari:** *gives Hawke the arulin'holm*

**Me: **there should be an option where I refuse to take it, so that Marethari is forced to give it to Merrill.

**Hawke:** *gives it to Merrill*

**Me:** I shouldn't have this much control over everyone's lives. This can't be healthy.

* * *

><p><strong>Arianni:<strong> Feynriel needs help. Feel like taking a walk through the Fade?

**Me:** what the hell, why not.

**Marethari:** you might have to kill him.

**Me:** screw that, I'm not doing anything you tell me to do.

* * *

><p><strong>FADE<strong>

**Justice:** it is good to feel the breath of the Fade again.

**Me:** good for you. Let's go.

**Sloth demon:** I'm too lazy to go get the kid on my own, but - **  
><strong>

**Me:** NOPE! I remember your kind! DAO taught me many things.

**Desire demon/Vincento:** I'm teaching him how to write.

**Me:** really? This is what the kid wants? I'm just surprised it's not half-naked women.

**Desire demon:** I kind of am a half-naked woman, though...

**Me:** that went right over your head.

**Pride demon/Marethari:** you're so awesome, Feynriel.

**Me:** even if I didn't know this was fake, I'd know it was fake. Because of her.

**Feynriel:** you saved me!

**Me:** yupp. Now you need to get outta here, so that Marethari doesn't screw with your head like she did with Merrill's.

* * *

><p><strong>Tevinter slave people:<strong> hand over Fenris!

**Me:** nope. He's an ass, but slavers are worse.

**Fenris:** let's go kill Hadriana.

**Me:** damn skippy.

* * *

><p><strong>Orana:<strong> everything was fine until today!

**Hawke:** if you go to Kirkwall, I can help you.

**Fenris:** I didn't realize you were in the market for a slave.

**Me:** YOU ARE SUCH AN ASS

**Hawke:** I gave her a job, Fenris.

**Fenris:** oh.

**Me:** that's right, eat some humble pie. Ass.

* * *

><p><strong>Hadriana:<strong> *tells Fenris about sister*

**Fenris:** *kills her*

**Me:** yayy! I know you gave your word and all, but I'm glad you killed her.

**Fenris:** what does magic touch that it doesn't spoil?

**Me:** WTF FENRIS Hawke's dad was a mage, her sister was a mage… does that mean you think Hawke is spoiled? Like, rotten, I mean, not some stupid little rich-bitch.

**Fenris:** *leaves*

**Me:** dick.

* * *

><p><strong>Varric:<strong> Bartrand's back in town.

**Me:** that bastard is responsible for Bethany's death. Let's kill this bitch.

* * *

><p><strong>Bartrand:<strong> *is completely insane*

**Anders:** *wiggles his fingers*

**Bartrand:** *is not-so-crazy for a minute*

**Varric:** we're taking him to a healer.

**Me:** after all the shit he pulled, we're letting him live? But… I guess, he's crazy now. That will have to be my revenge.

* * *

><p><strong>Aveline:<strong> I like Donnic, but I can't talk to him.

**Me:** wow. It's like people in this town can't even put their shoes on without my help.

**Varric:** *suggests the date night*

* * *

><p><strong>HANGED MAN<strong>

**Aveline:** *hides in a corner like a child*

**Me:** why did I help you become guard captain again?

**Hawke:** *sets up Wounded Coast patrol thingy*

* * *

><p><strong>WOUNDED COAST<strong>

**Aveline:** *is really, really bad at talking to guys*

**Varric:** I'm going to draw a picture of where she wants to touch you.

**Me:** *laughs at the looks on everyone's faces*

* * *

><p><strong>VISCOUNT'S KEEP<strong>

**Aveline:** *acts like a child*

**Me: **stop that! Gawd.

*Aveline and Donnic go into office*

**Me:** some people…. Oh well.

**Hawke:** *walks to viscount's office*

* * *

><p><strong>Viscount:<strong> go talk to Bran.

**Me:** I hate that dick!

**Bran:** I'd rather just stand around with my thumb up my ass all day than help you, but since the viscount ordered me to help, I guess I will.

**Me:** you're an idiot. And I don't like talking to you.

* * *

><p><strong>HANGED MAN<strong>

**Drunk guard:** I'm a racist asshole!

**Me: **I noticed. I'm glad I brought Aveline along.

**Aveline:** who bought the honor of a proud guard of Kirkwall, and turned him into a drunken mabari bitch!

**Me:** don't be so hard on mabari! They're awesome!

* * *

><p><strong>CHANTRY<strong>

**Petrice:** not you again.

**Me:** right back at you. Bitch.

**Petrice: **what is it with you and liking the Qunari? Can't you see that they're monsters?

**Me:** shut up and tell me where you took them.

**Petrice:** this totally isn't a trap of any kind whatsoever, but here's where we're all meeting for the weekly 'We Hate Qunari' club.

**Me:** this is totally a trap! I'm not stupid!

* * *

><p><strong>THAT PLACE IN DARKTOWN<strong>

**Varnell:** *being a prick*

**Petrice:** so whose side are you on?

**Me: **even if I didn't like the Qunari I'd be on their side with this one. They're not animals that you can just tie up and slaughter out of hand. THIS IS WHY I HATE ORGANIZED, PREJUDICED, HOLIER-THAN-THOU ASSHOLES.

**Petrice:** *runs away*

**Hawke & co:** *kills all of them*

**Viscount:** even though I run this city, I don't know my head from a hole in the ground, so I'm just going to stand around like a moron and ask everyone else what I should do about this. Hawke?

**Me:** you're a moron. No doubt about it. Let's _not_ hide the torture of his people from the powerful warlord-like dude squatting in the docks.

* * *

><p><strong>ESTATE<strong>

**Gamlen:** your mother's missing.

**Me:** I kind of care, but only partly. She's been a bitch since pretty much day one of this game.

**Bodahn:** well, those white lilies arrived for her.

**Me:** that's the serial killer dude that Emeric was after!

**Hawke:** *heads to Darktown*

* * *

><p><strong>Hawke:<strong> Gascard! That serial killer dude took my mom!

**Gascard:** is that so? Coincidentally, I happen to have some blood that will lead us right to that girl that was with me when we first met.

**Me:** bah. More blood magic. Oh well, let's go!

* * *

><p><strong>FOUNDRY<strong>

**Varric:** look! There's a trap door!

*everyone goes through the door*

**Hawke:** *finds Alessa's body*

**Me: **who just keeps dead bodies lying around in their workspace? If nothing else, that's gotta stink. *reads the notes that are just conveniently lying around the place*

**Me:** eww…

**Hawke:** does he live here?

**Me:** that just makes this even more gross! He's got dead bodies just lying around in his house! That's gotta be some kind of unsanitary.

*looks at the books and letters*

**Me: **I'm getting a really bad feeling about this…

**Gascard:** Quentin!

**Quentin:** so you found me. Hurrah for you.

**Varric:** *shoots Gascard in the throat then looks over at Hawke* what? you were gonna do that, right?

**Me:** Varric, you are the bestest person ever. Why can't I romance you?

**Quentin:** *goes on about his dead wife*

**Leandra & various others:** *stumbles around*

**Me:** OMFG THAT IS GROSS! And entirely reminding me of Frankenstein.

**Hawke & co:** *kills all the demons and shit*

**Anders:** I can't do anything for her.

**Me:** I doubt she'd want to live like this anyway. Seriously, that's nastier than Justice in Kristoff's body. At least that was only one person. This could be twenty. Eww.

**Leandra:** I love you. You've always made me so proud.

**Me:** the first time in four years you tell me you love me (Hawke, whatever), and it's when you're dying in my arms? At least you're not blaming me for this, too. I'm kind of pissed at you and sad at the same time.

* * *

><p><strong>ESTATE<strong>

**Gamlen:** *finally shows that he's a half-decent kind of guy*

**Anders:** *comforts Hawke*

**Bodahn:** there's a letter on your desk.

**Me:** WHAT. THE. FUCK. Can't a girl take a couple days off to mourn her frigging mother? Srlsy, viscount. You're a dick.

**Viscount:** I'm not going to mention the fact that your mother just died in your arms maybe half an hour ago (I'm using real life time here), and completely ignore my son's right to live in whatever way he wants, and ask you to go to the arishok and bring Seamus back.

**Me:** is this place ever going to not be two steps away from falling to pieces?

**My brother:** nah, probably not.

**Me:** shaddap.

* * *

><p><strong>DOCKS<strong>

**Hawke:** what do you mean, he's not here?

**Arishok:** the viscount sent a letter asking to meet at the Chantry.

**Me:** that bitch Petrice. Hopefully I get to kill her soon.

**Hawke:** nope. It was probably Petrice.

**Arishok:** a suspect in many things. If she's involved in this, she's going down.

**Me:** I knew I liked you!

* * *

><p><strong>CHANTRY<strong>

**Seamus:** *falls over*

**Petrice:** serah Hawke. Look at what you have done! Pouncing on the viscount's son, a repentant convert, in the Chantry itself. A crime with no excuse.

**Me:** he's probably been dead for hours. If you guys had CSI shit like we do, anyone could tell you that. And he has a name. It's Seamus.

**Hawke:** you're nuts.

**Petrice:** these heretics must die!

**Hawke:** *almost dies killing them all. I shouldn't have come alone.*

**Elthina:** *isn't a complete moron and sees right through Petrice*

**Me:** I wish you would step up when it comes to the mages…

**Qunari:** *kills Petrice*

**Me: **I wanted to do that! Kill-stealer!

* * *

><p><strong>OUTSIDE THE CHANTRY<strong>

**Hawke: **well, that was a mess. Better get things in order before the Arishok responds. Can't be good. The viscount's son, Qunari in the chantry. Bet it's going to rain, too.

**Me:** THE GUY HAS A NAME

**Hawke: **hard enough doing this without soaking my hides. Thirty pounds of water and it's a march with no rations.

**Me:** wtf are you talking about?

**Hawke:** when was the last time I ate? Who's cooking tonight? Sandal? Maker. Enchantment soup again.

**Me:** …

**Hawke:** thumb right in the bowl last time. His enchanting hand, too. Yeah, I saw you, you squirrelly little knot-head.

**Me:** *laughing*

**Hawke:** did I lock my chambers? I bet he's in there now. Ugh. That guy looking at me? A lot of illness in this city. What's he looking at? Loony. Yeah, that's it, keep walking. Can't trust anyone. Could be lyrium addled, Fade-crazed. Still, got to have some control. What kind of damage sends these daft freaks out in the streets, talking to them…selves?

**Me:** you're one to talk.

**Hawke: ***coughs*

* * *

><p><strong>ESTATE<strong>

**Isabela:** I'm going to die! There you go, real problem.

**Hawke: ***asks some questions*

**Aveline:** the viscount's mourning, and I don't want to bother him with this.

**Me:** oh, so the damned VISCOUNT is allowed to mourn, but I'm not allowed to? NONE OF YOU HAVE EVEN MENTIONED HER DEATH. Not even to say that you're sorry for my loss. Screw you, Aveline, I'm helping Bela.

_I have learned since then that Aveline does, in fact, talk to you about Leandra's death. The rest of my opinion, however, remains the same._

* * *

><p><strong>LOWTOWN<strong>

**Qunari:** you will surrender the relic!

**Me:** um…

**Hawke & co:** *kills Qunari*

**Isabela:** yeah… the relic I'm looking for? It's the first copy of what is essentially the Qunari Bible. Or whatever the Thedosian equivalent of that is.

**Me:** dammit, Isabela!

**Hawke:** we can kill Castillon later. Give them the bloody book back!

**Isabela:** …

*a few Tevinter mages and Qunari deaths later….*

*reads Isabela's letter*

**Me:** ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

* * *

><p><strong>DOCKS<strong>

**Aveline:** you have my fugitives!

**Arishok:** shaddap. Hawke, where's my book?

**Hawke: **Isabela stole it.

**Arishok:** we knew that. I'm glad you told me, though.

**Me:** IF YOU KNEW THEN WHY DID YOU ASK

**Elven fugitive:** a city guard raped our sister. We tried reporting it, but nothing happened, so we killed him.

**Aveline:** that's not what's important. You took the law into your own hands.

**Me:** yeah, that's kind of important. You don't care that your guards are doing this? What the shit is wrong with you! Why are we friends?

**Hawke:** I'd have done the same thing.

**Aveline:** you're not helping!

**Me:** neither is you not doing your damn job!

**Arishok:** what would you do in my position?

**Hawke:** why give away perfectly good converts?

**Arishok:** *attacks*

**Me:** what did I say wrong?

* * *

><p><strong>HIGHTOWN<strong>

*Orsino and Meredith arguing like children*

**Hawke:** I'm in charge.

**Meredith:** what?

**Me:** stfu, bitch.

**Hawke:** I take it running for the hills isn't an option?

**Meredith:** *glares*

**Hawke:** or we could go help the hostages. That works too.

* * *

><p><strong>Meredith: <strong>we have to attack!

**Orsino:** we need a distraction!

**Me: **Meredith, you're an idiot.

*awesome Orsino scene*

* * *

><p><strong>Arishok:<strong> Shanedan, Hawke. I expected you. Maraas toh ebra shok. You alone are basalit-an. This is what respect looks like, bas! Some of you will never earn it!

**Me:** pretty cool, but not as cool as kadan.

**Arishok:** I need the Tome of Koslun before I can go home. And I really want to go home. But you don't have it, and I don't have it. So what do we do?

**Fenris:** dude, you just said that she's basalit-an. So… Fight!

**Me:** are you trying to get me killed?

**Hawke:** let's dance.

**Me:** how the hell does a guy that big move that bloody fast?

**Hawke: ***kills Arishok*

**Meredith:** you're the Champion now.

**Me:** *starts singing Queen* _We are the champions, my friends…_


End file.
